Surrender
by mloves
Summary: "Three words were all it took for me to make my decision, to finally surrender."
1. Surrender

_Surrender_

"_When you decide to die, little things begin to happen. You stop looking both ways before you cross the street; you start answering the door without asking who's there. You don't hold onto the railing when you go down the escalator, you play with matches. You smoke, and breathe it in, actually praying it will make a difference. Deciding to die is actually almost nice, in a way. You stop caring. Even if you are not pro-actively looking for ways to kill yourself, you stop looking for ways to survive." _

Three words were all it took for me to make my decision, to finally surrender.

Three words, and I'm sure when you read that, you knew exactly which three words they were.

That's right, _I love you._

It's funny how those three simple words can make or break a person. Those three words, three of the simplest words in our English language, can provide joy and happiness. However, they can also provide pain.

And that's what they did too me.

But heck, no one even said the words _to _me! No one told me they loved me, no one told me they didn't love me. Really I should have minded my own business, because it had nothing to do with me at all.

Then again, if you love someone, if you really love someone, don't you kind of lose your sense of what's right and wrong? You start to think crazy things, like how I thought that Scorpius Malfoy telling his girlfriend Kathrina Zabini he loved her and wanted to marry her in front of a whole gathering of friends was my business. It was none of my business, right?

Right.

However, I loved him, he was my best friend, and had been for 10 years, ever since we were 11. Pathetic excuses, I know, pathetic to think I was even involved in their relationship, pathetic to think I had some sort of _claim _over Scorpius because we were best friends, pathetic to think he ever loved me in the first place!

He never loved me in the first place, exactly!

Despite all this, I still think back to the night when I made the decision.

xxx

I was attending a cocktail party, hosted by Scorpius himself, for more than 100 guests. Apparently it was for some 'special occasion', but no one could really see the reason for this title. It was just another of Scorpius' parties. So we just flirted and talked and ate and drank and danced for most of the night, enjoying ourselves in general.

Scorpius had been going around flashing off his girlfriend of the time, Kathrina Zabini, to everyone. They mingled with their friends, and were basically inseparable nearly the whole night.

I had been chatting with Scorpius' father, listening to one of his stories about just how _fabulous _his yacht was, and how I simply _had _to come with him, Astoria and Scorpius on a trip very soon. I had to laugh at how classy these parties were, but it was kind of nice all the same.

"You must come out Rose, Scorpius tells me you _adore _sailing, didn't you two go out on a boat when you were kids?" Draco asked, probably the first question he had asked me since we had begun our conversation.

Not that I minded much, my mind had been on Scorpius, and watching him most of the time.

"Yes, Mr Malfoy, Scorpius was quite right, I absolutely _love _to sail," I said, grinning.

"So I'm guessing that's a yes then?" he winked at me.

I laughed, "Of _course _sir, I'd be honoured."

Just at that moment Scorpius and Kathrina appeared, smiling around.

"Sorry to interrupt Rose, father," Scorpius said politely, "but I want my dear Rose to meet my lovely Kathrina!"

"It's very nice to know you Kathrina," I said, warmly, holding out my hand.

She laughed and took my hand, grasping it firmly. "Please, call me Kat."

I smiled at her, she seemed quite nice, but I didn't know why Scor was making such a big deal about her, sure they had been together for a few months now, but surely she was just another flame?

I mean, I hoped she was.

Just then a slow song started to play, and Draco held out his hand to Kathrina.

"Please, miss, would you like to dance?" he said, winking at her.

"I'd love to, Mr Malfoy," she laughed, "be right back, Scorpius."

She kissed him on the cheek and went off to the dance floor with Scorpius' father.

"So," I said to Scorpius, sitting down with him at a nearby table, "Kathrina is lovely."

"She's absolutely perfect Rose," he said, looking dazed.

I laughed at the look on his face, and replied sarcastically.

"A lot better than the last one, I must say," I giggled.

He laughed too, "indeed! She was a bit too crazy for my liking. No, Kathrina is definitely the best thing I've ever had.

I smiled at him half-heartedly, as we continued to talk like we hadn't done in a while.

"I'm still your best friend though, right?" I said, trying to seem light-hearted about it, but seriously worrying about being replaced.

"Of course," he said, getting up and kissing my cheek, "no one could ever replace you, Rosie. Come on, let's dance."

We both stood up and he led me to the dance floor.

_Twenty Minutes Later_

"Everyone! I've got an announcement to make! If we could all just be quiet for one second!" Scor spoke into the microphone, earning silence from everyone seated and standing.

"Thankyou so much for all coming tonight, it has been fabulous having you all here, especially since you all got to meet my wonderful fiancé, Kathrina."

Everyone was silent, thinking the same thing, _fiancé?_

And in my mind, something was screaming. A choked, wordless scream, coming from my subconscious, which I couldn't quite work out.

"Well," he continued, "I hope she'll do the honour of becoming my fiancé. Kathrina, I love you like I've never loved anyone else, will you marry me?"

He turned around, got down on one knee, and pulled out a ring.

Judging by the cheers of the crowd, I'm guessing she said yes.

I wasn't listening though, because that was when I knew.

I knew that yes, I really did love him, and that it was way to late to tell him.

I also knew that I had to make a decision, then and there.

That was the night I decided to die.

xxx

From then on, things got simpler in my life.

I didn't have to worry anymore, didn't have to stress out about anything, like my phone bill, health, what anyone though of me, anything.

I stopped eating, and mostly drank lots of alcohol, and smoked instead.

I'd look in the mirror, and I'd smile at myself, my pale, ghastly skin, the circles under my eyes, my skinny frame, and ever though I was sick and in pain a lot, I knew it would be over soon.

It would be over soon.

So my survival instinct was shut off, I stopped caring, and I stopped feeling bitter.

Scorpius could be happy with the girl he loved, and I wouldn't have to live with my love loving another.

Was I selfish? Yes. Was I stupid? Yes. Was I completely reckless and irrational? Yes.

A small part of my brain screamed constantly that I should tell Scorpius how I feel, live with what he said, whether it be good or bad, and then wait for the right one to come along.

A bigger part of my brain screamed that if I didn't have him, I didn't have anything, and he didn't want me at all.

So when I met him in the street within a few days, I was blissful and smiling.

xxx

"Hey, Scor!" I said enthusiastically, running up and kissing him on both cheeks, "What are you doing out today? Where's Kathrina?"

"Hey," he said, grinning obliviously, "I'm just out picking up some groceries from the muggle supermarket. What are you doing? I rarely see you in muggle London."

"Oh, just going to the pharmacy," I lied smoothly, "feeling a bit under the weather, so just picking up some aspirin. I mean I don't know why most wizards don't use it, it works something marvellous for a hangover."

We both laughed, but then, as his eyes took me in, his brow furrowed slightly.

"You do look a bit ill, actually," he commented, sounding a bit unhappy, "is everything alright?"

I laughed a bit unnaturally, "of _course, _Scor! I'm fine, really, like I said, hangover. Well, I best be on my way."

"Okay, love, if you say so," he grinned, even though it didn't _quite _reach his eyes, "you'll have to come over for dinner sometime, alright?"

"Of course! See you later Scor," I said, smiling warmly.

"Bye Rose, love," he said, hugging me tightly.

He walked off, and I continued on my way.

He had noticed, noticed that I was sick. Which I was, there was no denying it. It kind of hurt a little bit, in a weird way, knowing that he still cared. He shouldn't care, I didn't want him to care.

That trip to the pharmacy suddenly didn't sound like such a bad idea.

xxx

I stood in my bedroom, unscrewing the lid of the small bottle of codeine-based pills that I had purchased from the chemist.

I stood there and let myself think a few final thoughts. I wasn't having second thoughts; of course, I just wanted to be thinking of Scorpius when I died.

"_Flashes left in my mind, going back to the time."_

So, as I began to down the pills, I let my happiest memories with Scorpius flash through my mind.

"_Playing games in the street, kicking balls with my feet."_

Playing Quidditch with Scor, anywhere and everywhere. Any type of game we played really had been happy, we had always loved to play all types of sport together, whether it was muggle or wizarding.

"_There's a numb in my toes, standing close to the edge."_

Scor and I went jetty jumping on a camping trip with our friends to South England one summer; it had been lovely for swimming, but when Scorpius had tried to get me to jump off the seemingly high jetty, I was awfully frightened. In the end, he pulled me in, and it had been the most exhilarating thing I had ever done.

"_There's a pile of my clothes at the end of your bed."_

That happy summer night I had shared a bed with Scorpius, and given myself to him completely. The night I first realised that I really was in love with him.

"_As I feel myself fall, make a joke of it all."_

Moments after the last pill slid down my throat, I felt myself beginning to lose consciousness, as I fell to the floor, slowly, I let myself think of him one last time, and how much of a joke this had all been.

"I love you Scorpius," I slurred, laughing bitterly.

Then my head hit the ground.

**God my mind is twisted. So here's another one shot, to make up for leaving for so long. I actually really enjoyed writing this though, so I hope you like it too. However, I hate killing characters off, it hurts so much! So yes, enough rambling, unknown credit for the first quote, I found it on Tumblr, and as for the last few quote snippets, they're from a song called Moments by One Direction. Hope you enjoyed, please review! **


	2. Found

_Found_

"_Lying in the dark, I know you are awake. I will not give in, I will not give in."_

I knocked on the door for the fourth time in two minutes.

Still no answer.

I tried the handle, and it was unlocked. Slowly, I stepped into Rose's clean apartment. It almost looked too clean, I mean, Rose was a tidy person, but the flat was sterile.

I had come over to Rose's after our short encounter in the street. She really didn't look well, I had decided, and I cared about her too much to let her make no big deal about her feeling unwell. So, to make her feel better, I had bought her coffee from her favourite café in London, and had come to see her, which I hadn't done in a while, sadly.

I checked every room in her house, before finally making my way to her bedroom.

And that's when I spotted her.

She was splayed on the floor, pale as a ghost and not appearing to be breathing.

"Shit," I yelled, as I let the coffee cup fall through my fingers and crash to the floor.

I ran over to Rose's body, and started to shake her, noting that her body was still warm. She couldn't have collapsed long ago. However, she wasn't waking up.

"Rose! God dammit Rose, wake up!" I screamed, shaking her.

Realising how idiotic I was being, I decided to feel for a pulse. Pressing my fingers up against her neck until I found the right place, I pressed down slightly.

There was no pulse.

I jumped to my feet and dialled for an ambulance. Speaking frantically into the phone, while keeping a hand on Rose's neck, I told them about everything.

"Are there any indications as to why she may be unconscious, sir?" the calm voice on the other end asked.

That's when I saw the empty bottle of pills laying close to her head. And I nearly choked.

"I think she overdosed," I said in a choked voice.

xxx

"You're so selfish Rose, so fucking selfish. And stupid too," I muttered to her lifeless body.

I was sitting in the ambulance, which was swerving around the streets of London. She was laying there on the stretcher, just looking dead already. And every time I did look at her, this strange had shot through me. Though at the same time I was this close to breaking down. Breaking down and surrendering myself to the woman I loved more than those cold nights in watching movies and drinking cocoa. More than feeling the sand between your toes on you first seaside trip in the summer holidays. More than I could ever love the woman I was engaged to right now. But still, I hated Rose for doing this to me, to herself.

"I swear to Godric as soon as you wake up I'll kill you myself," I said angrily to her, "I can't believe you did this Rose! How could you do this when you know, _you know _you're my best friend and that I love you and that I can't be without you!"

She knew that didn't she?

"I just can't believe you did something so stupid as to _overdose on drugs!_ I honestly thought you were smarter than that Rose! I mean, you have enough common sense not to overdose by accident don't you? Of course you do. I can't believe you did this on purpose! I mean, were you trying to kill yourself? Why didn't you talk to me about it? We could have worked it out, how could you forget that! Now I'm going to have to wait until you wake up to talk to you Rose. However, I'm going to kill you when you do wake up," I said, still angry and not caring that she probably couldn't hear me and that I was talking shit.

"You are going to wake up, right Rose?" I chuckled, somewhat hysterically, the hatred leaving me, and the panic and craziness settling in.

"You are going to wake up, aren't you? I mean you have to wake up Rose, because you can't leave me. You're going to regain consciousness, right?" I said, choking on my words, "Y-you can't die, you can't! What am I going to do if you die? No, you can't leave me, _I can't do this without you_, you're going to wake up Rose, okay?"

I squeezed her hand tightly, trying to get a response out of her. The terror was ripping through me, leaving me trembling in my seat as I looked at her.

"You're going to stay strong, for me, okay? You're going to wake up," I told her firmly and the ambulance doors opened and she was wheeled out hastily.

xxx

"Mr Malfoy," I heard a voice of authority say quietly.

My head snapped up at the sound of my own name and I was looking at one of the nurses from the hospital.

I straightened my back out, stretching. I had been slumped over in a waiting room chair for who knows how long now.

"Yes?" I asked, my voice cracking stupidly.

"You can go see her now. It-it's a goodbye though," she stuttered, looking sombre, "She's barely alive, got minutes left."

I nodded, getting up and following her down the corridor to a room. Outside crowded many members of the Weasley-Potter family, who all looked at me gravely. I tried so hard to smile back, but I couldn't bring myself to.

I stepped inside, hearing the steady heart monitor. I knew she was going to die, but I couldn't bring myself to face it yet. And as I looked at her, as I looked at her pale features, her shadowy eyelids, I felt the hatred again, however it was more watered down this time, as if I was too weak to feel proper emotion anymore.

"Albus told me," I whispered to her, grasping her hand as I leaned over her body, "And I think I always knew, that you were in love with me. And I am so sorry I didn't act on it, I'm going to kick myself every day for not acting on it, because then maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe I could have saved your life."

"But then he said that you had always thought that I didn't return the feelings," I choked, my voice getting louder and the sadness starting to overwhelm me, "He told me that you thought I didn't love you back!"

"You don't make my choices for my Rose," I said harshly, "You don't bloody decide my feelings! How dare you _assume _my feelings towards you! You know what, how fucking _dare_ you do this to everyone! To me! Y-y-y-you're so god damn _stupid_, how is this going to make anything better? When you _die, _h-how is that better for anyone?"

I was starting to break now. I couldn't be mad for much longer.

"I-I need you to know that _I love you, _I do. With all my heart, I love you. And I always have. You're not going to be alone in this, because if you don't wake up, I'm following you straight up there, I promise. I love you."

And then I heard the sound I had been dreading.

The sound I had been dreading, and knew I had to hear at some point. However, some part of my subconscious still held onto the shred of hope that maybe I wouldn't hear it, maybe everything would be okay and I wouldn't have to suffer, you wouldn't have to suffer, no one would have to suffer. I held on because no matter what, there's always hope. Somewhere, buried deep, you're going to keep on hoping, until the last minute.

Inevitably, the sound came. As I knew it would. That didn't stop my heart breaking though, when I heard it.

_Beep._

"No," I whispered, clutching onto her body and shaking it as the droning beep continued to ring through the absolute silence of the room.

"No!" I shouted, as it continued, "You're not actually going to die Rose! You can't actually leave me! Wake up!"

It all happened very quickly, then.

People came flooding into the room, shouting out commands and grabbing things off the walls. Arms wrapped around my torso, pulling me from Rose.

I didn't want to leave her though, I couldn't leave her now.

But they dragged me away from her, away from my dying first love. Seems harsh, doesn't it?

And then, a few minutes later, someone emerged, and looked at us all gravely. He locked eyes with me, positioned right in front of the doorway, and uttered those words.

"She's gone."

I fell to the floor, convulsing as the silent sobs ripped through me.

Rose was dead.

xxx

Someone got me home safely, I can't remember who it was though, and I didn't care.

All I cared about was following Rose, being just as selfish as she was.

So, when I found that right bottle of pills, the bottle I knew would end it all, I didn't hesitate.

"I'm coming for you, Rose love."

I swallowed the whole jar in one shot.

"_Close the door, throw the key. Don't wanna be reminded, don't wanna be seen. Don't wanna be without you, my judgment's clouded, like tonight's sky. Hands are silent, voice is numb, trying to scream out my lungs, it makes this harder. And the tears stream down my face. If we could only have this life for one more day, if we could only turn back time. You know I'll be your life, your voice, your reason to be. My love, my heart is breathing for this, moment in time. I'll find the words to say, before you leave me today."_

**Wow. This was super emotional to write! I feel like this dragged a bit in parts but overall I'm actually really happy with it. Quotes are the songs **_**Dancing In The Storm **_**and **_**Moments. **_**Thanks for your feedback on the first part, and more would be greatly appreciated!**


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